A Difficult Confession

The following post was written over four (4) years ago but the struggles I chronicled then are even more exaggerated as I re-issue this post. I received numerous comments when this was first published and, hopefully, it will elicit some serious thought again. God bless you as you read.

Here it is:

Time and time again I go back to a book, Bright Days, Dark Nights, penned by a favorite writer of mine, Elizabeth Skoglund. She writes on subjects such as confidence, depression, anxiety, change and transition using the writings of the Prince of Preachers, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, to illustrate her point.

The following quote by Spurgeon mirrors a statement that I used to make quite honestly and quite often. But now, I must confess, I don't know that I'm able to truthfully say it any more. The ravages of uncertainty, the stresses of being "down to the wire", the scariness of "not knowing" have played havoc with "all I once held dear".

Admitting this is difficult! What I once declared may have sounded very "noble", very "spiritual", very "right" but the years have taken their toll.

Let me give you Spurgeon's quote before I continue..."If I might have any choice between having abundant wealth, or being brought to absolute dependence upon daily supplies, if, in the latter case, I could have greater power to exhibit and to exert faith in Christ, I must confess that I should prefer the mode of living which would give me most room to enjoy the luxury of depending upon my God. I believe it is more happy and more divine a life to live from hand to mouth, dependant upon the provinces of God, and having the confidence to trust Him, than it is to have all the abundance of this world, but to have nothing about which faith may exercise itself." - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

There it is! As I said, I used to echo these thoughts although not so eloquently. Do I want to trust God implicitly? Of course! Do I believe that He can provide all I need? Absolutely! Do I want abundant wealth in a worldly way? Definitely not!

So, as I find myself in uncertain waters, I am crying out to God to be the Great Provider. He has been that in the past for me and He will never change.

Living on the edge has made me edgy and that can be a good thing.

For example...

Positively speaking:

1. I could be on the edge of another God-thing...another miracle that has no explanation other than that God did it!

2. I could be on the edge of a breakthrough where I experience deeper intimacy with God than ever before.

3. I could be on the edge of a new career path...a new vocation where God continues to be at the center.

Or, in a negative sense:

1. I could be on the edge of financial ruin.

2. I could be on the edge of unexpected grief or pain.

3. I could be on the edge of something that could shatter hope.

So, as I begin a new day with my hand held firmly by a Sovereign God I will say, "Surely God is my salvation. I will trust and not be afraid." - Isaiah 12:2

Yes, the unknown is scary! Yes, I want to truthfully say what Spurgeon said! But, for now, I will say this, "Moment by moment I'm kept in His love." I'll choose to look at the positive "edges" and "expect great things from God."

Thanks for your prayers during my bumpy pilgrimage!

Transparently,

David