Oops!

You've heard many of these, no doubt. But, just in case you need a good belly laugh, check these out:

• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Evening massage - 6 p.m.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
• Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
• Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
• The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
• Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”
• On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
• Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.
• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.